The Waffle-Maker

I never win anything.  You know how we say some people have a horseshoe up their ass?  Well, my ass would contain all the missing horseshoe-nails.  Even when the Wheel of Fortune does turn in my favour, however accidentally, it always seeks to rectify it as soon as possible. 

Let me prove it to you.

I was working in a contact center (call center) a few years back, and the company had some sort of draw or raffle.  A draw or raffle which, to my complete astonishment, I won.  My prize: a brand new waffle-maker! You should have seen it; it was so beautiful.  It was all tricked out with a list of features!  I was so proud of it, I accepted it like an Academy Award.  My first win.  Maybe this was the start of a streak?

I set the waffle-maker on my desk.   I admired it for hours.  Later that night, when the cleaning lady, Renee, came in for her shift, I couldn’t wait to tell her all about my luck.  Renee and I had become good friends over the years.  I smoked back then, and so did Renee, and since we both worked a late shift, we often took our breaks together.  Renee and I were pals.  We WERE pals, until the following bullshit went down.  Imagine this:

Renee is running her vacuum cleaner, and as she passes my desk, I yell to her.

“Hey Renee!  I won a Waffle-maker!” 

She sees I'm trying to talk to her, but she can’t hear me so she moves closer with a hand cupping her ear.

“I said, I won a Waffle-maker!”

She smiles a surprised little smile and shuts her vacuum cleaner off.  She comes over to my desk and picks up the box, looking it over.

“Wow, where’d you get this?” she asks, sounding genuinely impressed.

“I won it today.”  So proud of myself.

Renee continues to look very impressed and, still holding the waffle-maker, she takes a step away from my desk. 

Where is she going?

“Well, thank you very much!” Renee says graciously.

You know that moment when you suddenly understand something, but the understanding is horrible?  Well I have one of those.  It’s not quite a “lightbulb moment”, it’s more like a “you’re about to lose your fucking waffle-maker” moment.  Renee isn’t joking; when I said, “I won a waffle-maker” through the noise of the vacuum cleaner, she must have heard, “Want a waffle-maker?”

I have to think fast if I’m going to keep that—

“OH…You’re very welcome!” comes out my traitorous mouth.

What the fuck?!?  Where did that come from?

Somehow, I've just given my waffle-maker away!  Renee’s flipping the box over in her arms, and not very carefully I might add—she doesn’t give a shit about this waffle-maker, I just know it!— as she reads about all of the awesome features I will now not be getting to try tonight.

“My kids will LOVE this!” she chooses to say, “you’re sure you don’t want it?”

I hate you.

“No, no” I say with a dismissive wave towards the box, “it’s all yours”.

I'll get you back for this!  So help me God!

But it was over.  I sat down in my seat, crushed, and tried to figure out how the hell that just happened.  An hour later, my shift was over and it was time for me to go home without a waffle-maker.  On my way out the door, Renee snagged me for one last smoke, and I had to listen to her go on and on about all the great things you could do with a waffle-maker and just how much better life would be for her now that she had one.  I resisted the urge to stub my cigarette out in her eye and instead I told her just how welcome she was to that beautiful machine I had owned for 7 hours.

There was no point in going home right away now, so instead I went to meet a friend for a coffee.  Still upset, I told him the story and he laughed really hard because he's an an idiot.  He didn’t understand how awesome the waffle-maker had been.  I resisted more cigarette-in-eye urges and went home.

A few weeks later my buddy and his girlfriend bought me a new waffle-maker because they felt so bad for me.  FINALLY, I had my very own waffle-maker!  I took it home the night they gave it to me and used it right away.  The waffles were alright.  A bit doughy, actually.  But, I told myself I would use it every day, you know, get better at waffle-making, but those machines are pretty clunky.  They’re also a huge pain in the ass to clean.  So, I put the waffle-maker in the back of the cupboard with all the juicers and Slap-Chops and shit.

I guess that doesn’t matter though, I should be thankful for what I have.  What matters is that I ended up with my waffle-maker, and I didn’t have to go through with my plan to buy bags of Hostess Hickory Sticks to spread around in all the hard to vacuum areas at work.